Krazy Krystal's Laboratory

Conference Day - a rant by Dr. Krystal

For anyone out there who is under the illusion that science conferences are about the open exchange of information between peers to further advance scientific knowledge and facilitate future discovery, do not read on.

SPOILER ALERT.

It's all about pressing the flesh. To see and be seen. Shake the hand, nod, smile. Repeat. Today's internal conference was essentially a flag waving exercise in P.R. to welcome the new dean and to appear en masse as a vital and active research team within the department.

Advice: Do not fall asleep in the third row, particularly when the first two are empty. If in doubt, there is one word that can save you. Coffee.

As the conference was being held in a function room at the racecourse, I thought I would entertain the bit of my brain not interested in eye movements and hallucination in macular degeneration and glaucoma by rating the speakers' fashion on the field. The Dean made a bold statement with a baby pink tie and matching kerchief. He was also sporting a somewhat retero 70-esque white tie clip, which i thought spoiled the line of the tie, but others thought was a stunning return to masculine fashion accessories. Small repeating geometric patterns on coloured ties were quite popular, and i'm pleased to report our very own Prof. was up with the trend. One of my best dressed finalists pulled off a pin striped suit with style, whilst a more casual approach from a biology academic in a brown leather jacket was crisp and contemporary. On the shame list was the wearer of blue socks with brown loafers, as well as those who cannot tie a tie with a decent sized knot. What happened to the full windsor i ask? I was very disappointed to see that the wearing of ties with cartoon characters on them is still being used as a personality replacement by some senior scientists; in general i think character ties should be banned. Overall the worst dressed award of the day goes to the wearer of the jeans that looked as if they were freshly sprayed on this morning, coupled with a black turtle neck so saggy and baggy that i feel the term elephant neck would be more appropriate. And why am I going on about ties and suits jackets? Where is the discussion of dresses and skirts I hear you ask? Well the complete ABSENCE of female speakers from the day's programme has severely inhibited my analysis of ladies' fashions. Which, let me, tell you is the least I have to about that issue. Grrrrrrr...

And if it seems i'm being harsh on visual presentation style, don't start me on the communication skills displayed. Or the actual science for that matter. Though one guy did show some experiments he's doing in collaboration with NASA growing cells under conditions that simulate zero-g, which i just think is extraordinarily cool. Any biologist with a NASA collaboration rocks my world.

Random thoughts about things I learnt today which will amuse few people other than myself:

When you're the Dean it's fine to have >6 spelling mistakes in your presentation.

Always aim to speak in sound bits when addressing an audience of people who may one day review your grants.

Your choice of recreational leisure centre is highly significant in establishing collaborative research projects. The moral of the story - play sport.

People come from grants. Not cabbage patches.

Diseases need catchy one word titles to make the news.

It's ok to use the phrase "that's horse shit" in your seminar if you're the 40% shareholder in a biotech company with a current estimated worth of 30 million pounds.

You cannot escape references to dendritic cells at a conference. Ever. Or Toll-like receptors for that matter. In fact if i attended the international concrete conference, I am sure that the DC subset that expresses a TLR recognising gravel will get a mention.

The people who volunteer for clinical trials represent the entire spectrum of the community, ie "retired people, shop keepers and history students".

Heroin was advertised as a sedative for coughs in the 1940s but is no longer available at tea breaks. However talking to industry reps has been suggested as a alternative.

Academics cannot stick to 10 minute time slots.

Hedgehogs secrete indole in their faeces when ill which attracts ticks.

- Just don't ask me about the last one -

posted by Dr Krystal @ 10:16 pm