Krazy Krystal's Laboratory

The flatpack adventure challenge

There is only one thing worse than cheap flat pack furniture, and that is very cheap flatpack furniture. And there is no greater statement of optimism in the world than that from a person who looks at the picture on the front of the box and thinks "Surely it can't be too difficult to put together". On the weekend, this person was me, except I went one step further and declared "I have a PhD, surely I can manage to put together some storage units and a bedside table"... Hmmm...

I ripped open my cardboard boxes with glee.. it was so cute! Little bags of screws and casters, planks of wood, strange and interesting bits of plastic, and step by step instructions, written in English and everything! The instructions stated that I needed a flathead and a phillips head screwdriver, and yes, I do know the difference between the two. My housemate lent me the necessary tools, and I was away....

Time passes. Frustration mounts. She turns the wooden parts over and over again, she screws the metal frame on upside down, she ruins the head of the screw and has to slam it in with nothing but sheer force, she stares in bewilderment at the cam joints and the allen key...

This is an official flat pack disaster:



There has been a recent discussion amongst my friends regarding the hypothesis that the more pieces of paper you have (ie the more qualifications) the more useless you are. Seeing I recently received a very pretty piece of paper and a floofy hat, it appears that I have climbed another rung on the uselessness scale. However, even though I was reduced to the point of tears, I was fiercely determined. I stood and pointed at the pile of potential furniture and shouted "Damn you flatpack! You will not defeat me! I will conquer you!"

I discovered that the best way to assemble flatpacks is to read the instructions and get a feel for how things should work, then put the instructions away and use your common sense. Trying to decipher those quaint little sketches with arrows is not worth the effort, just try and think logically about how on earth those four pieces of wood are going to fit together and withstand gravity.. and then suddenly, like something out of a dream, it all becomes clear...

Suddenly the wire baskets were coming together, I slammed the casters in with the force of a women scorned..the bedside table had three drawers and four walls... i was gathering momentum... on go the sides and the feet.. almost there and then, the final step, hammer on the back. Hold on, what do you mean hammer on the back. They never said anything about a hammer. I re-checked the instructions and a hammer was definitely not listed. Nope, no hammer... I don't have a hammer.. NO!!

What is a hammer? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so a hammer would, were it not a hammer called, retain that dear thumping action which it owes without that title. So I hunted through the apartment for something heavy and flat and hammer-like. The extremely solid metal end of the shiny kitchen knife proved to be my only option. Don't try this at home kids, and Mum, look away now... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

TA DA !!! I won the flat pack adventure challenge !!





Now repeat after me:

I, Dr. K, do solemnly swear to never ever to buy flatpack furniture ever again. From this hour henceforth, till death take me or the world end.

I am an intelligent, competent, accomplished, modern woman.
I am perfectly capable of paying someone else to assemble my furniture from now on.

posted by Dr Krystal @ 8:56 am